Well, its been a few weeks since my last blog and because I haven’t really done anything that exciting, I thought I’d take the opportunity to have some self-reflections! Oh no, you say – “Kay self reflecting’, that’s going to be a bit painful”
However to put your mind at rest, I’m going to balance it with:
Some pretty serious reflections
Some not so serious reflections
And some pretty stupid reflections……..
So, here goes.
Some pretty serious reflections
· Cancer’s pretty serious shit (well, that’s my opinion to date!). Its funny when you have cancer and you talk to other people with cancer, you get lots of different interpretations of what it’s like to have cancer….
One lady – Basically, whilst receiving chemo, wanted life to be totally normal, so lived entirely as if nothing had changed. Didn’t change her routine much. Didn’t really tell many people that she was sick.
Another lady – got a real shock, immediately changed her life, went and moved in with her daughter and looked at her daughter for much of her decision making.
Another great lady (me) – took it very seriously. Sometimes she felt that it was ruling her life (but then thought that it was so important that it probably should) She found it difficult thinking of much else, and wanted to know more and understand what was happening to her body. Basically, she reacted to this issue, like she reacts to other issues – she wanted to take control (she’s a bit of a control freak).
I sometimes wonder whether I’ve approached this the right way – whether I should have tried to live ‘a normal life’ or whether I’ve gone too much the other way, and become a little too focused on the disease. I suppose it reflects me – I’m never ‘a middle of the road’ person. I’m either one or the other.
· Family DNA is really strong…..
As you all know, I’ve had visits by two siblings – my older sister Kris, then my older brother Greg. Its funny, that I’ve probably spent less time with both of them over the past ten years, than most of my friends etc, but, as soon as they walked in the door, I immediately felt loved, more secure and totally at ease. There were no feelings of ‘strangeness’ – it just felt right!! It goes to show, that whatever happened when you were a child really sticks with you. The family ties are really strong….
The BEST experience of this has been the opportunity to have 1 on 1 time with each of them. How often do you actually spend 1 on 1 time with siblings, with no other relatives around?
Real quality time at a time when I needed real quality time! Although I couldn’t get Kris to clean out all my cupboards, and I had to watch lots of ABC and Rugby league with Greg, I thought I’d tell you…..
I have the best family (brother, sisters, nieces and nephews) and they are all really great people (just like me!!) As I said, family DNA is really strong.
Slightly less serious reflections
· Wow, your body is pretty resilient. To think that you get bombarded with toxic waste every three weeks, and then your body can recover from that, really reiterates how special, all the cells, protons, and other icky bits are – the body really is a complex machine that we should look after. I now wish that I was a bit more gentle on my body over the past 50 years. After all of this is over, I hope that I remember how special my body is. I’m not going to go overboard – but I’m going to try and look after it a bit more. Healthier food, more activity and a really good work/life balance.
· A hot water bottle, wheat-pack or electric blanket cannot compete with the warmth and snuggleness of my cat Sonny. My heart sometimes skips a beat when, after 5 minutes of me lying down, he jumps up on the bed, does his twirly-whirly position thing and then lies down in the crook of my side, so close, he then stretches his paw so that it curls over my hip, and then goes to sleep. Immediately I feel warm and also very special I love my cat to bits and he loves me!!
· I keep telling everyone that I’m a pretty nice person, but I’m now noticing, that most people agree with me…..that I am a pretty nice person!! From a work point of view, having people’s respect and admiration has always been important for me. I know it sounds a bit big-headed but that’s the way I am…. Anyway, I’ve felt pretty ‘shuffed’ that so many work colleagues have passed on best wishes, or asked after me etc. I’ve been ‘missed’ and I like that. Now all I have to do, is when I get back to work, live up to my fantastic reputation!! Shouldn’t be that difficult – I know how good I am!!
Pretty stupid reflections
· Why do they sell so much ‘Funeral Insurance” on daytime TV? Do they think - people are at home watching TV and they’ll see the ad, and then think….Oh, I must get funeral insurance now…..Do daytime television producers, schedulers think that everyone watching have an IQ of 85? I can’t believe the amount of crap on morning TV. Now don’t get me talking about the “Aaah Bra”. I think they should call it ‘the Fuck Off Aaah Bra!”
· Best advise I can give you….Don’t eat nuts or grainy bread, the day before diarrhea starts….(I don’t think I have to elaborate)
· Hair-brushing is instinctive. I feel like I haven’t completed my ‘toilette’ without brushing my hair. My hair brush was on the sink the other day and I instinctively picked it up to brush my hair. I’m also starting to have dreams with hair – and my hair is always blowing in the wind…. I think I have a bad case of hair-envy….
· I think I must be sick……I didn’t think that toes could feel so cold. When I was a kid, Mum could never get me to wear socks to bed or wear shoes when it was cold. My feet were always really warm and I’d kick the socks off during the night. Well, not now, at the moment, I feel like I have no blood in my toes and even with slippers on, they are freezing. I’ve been trying to coax Sonny into sleeping on my feet but he won’t be in it. Probably not very comfortable.
- Tomato skin is difficult to digest.
Well, that's it - I've 'self reflected' and do I feel good!! Actually, because I have so much time on my hands, I'm doing quite a lot of self-reflection and its not that bad a thing do do. I can recommend it.
Back to Business
For those of you, who I may not be seeing often - I had my 4th chemo last Tuesday - same as usual - everything went reasonably well and again, whilst not pleasant it was 'doable'. I must admit, though that it was really difficult to walk into the hospital again. I started feeling sick even before I got hooked up. Power of suggestion!
So, I have two more to go. Then surgery, possibly late July/August. I will know a date at my next Surgeon's appointment mid July.
I've asked for another two months off work, so will basically be on leave for the entire chemotherapy experience. I thought it was best to concentrate on getting better and I couldn't really reconcile with going to work when I was only feeling 50% well.
Apart from that - I'm fine. Feeling reasonably strong. Still bored (so appreciate any social diversions - home or out (if I'm able).
Hope you are all well
Lots of love
A self-reflecting Kay
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