Images from Chemo ward

Firstly, fabulous news.

The oncologist couldn't find the lump!!!!!! So Barbarella the breast bump bitch has shrunk to oblivion (I loved that word when I was a teenager, very dramatic). He said it was a fabulous result and very promising for surgery. Less invasive. Still have to have all the lymph glands removed but he explained a bit better so I feel less uneasy about it.

Im in the chemo ward, hooked up with all the chemicals dripping. Here are some photos so that you can see what its like. I didn't take any photos of people because I thought that was a bit invasive.

Sitting listening to meditation music (currently pan flutes) having a very hot flush, and feeling the chemicals going through. Drinking soda water to try and calm the tummy down. I can't explain the chemo rush except you have a cold chemical feel in your brain???

About 15 people having chemo. More women than men. A mixture of people. An older lady with a brown beanie. Her grandson (nice looking electrical instrumentation guy) is keeping her company. She's not reading or anything. She's just looking around and when one of the nurses asks her how she is, she replies "im fine lovey"

Lady next to me, comes down from York each chem session (1.5 to 2 hours drive). I can't imagine having to put up with bumps and corners after chemo.

There was a guy here before that had the same birthday as me. The nurse recognised it because hers is just before mine. She's my favorite nurse. She gave me my first chemo and has a fabulous bedside manner. No surprisingly, she's a queenslander and a cancerian!

Also next to me is a Japanese couple. She's very young and looks about 5 months pregnant. Can't imagine what it would be like being pregnant and having cancer. It really makes me feel like I have so much less to complain about.

In fact, when you think about this place is all very humbling and makes you think about complaining less, and one of my favorites sayings is already DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. I think that will be my new mantra because so many people get stressed about alot of very unimportant stuff.

What else....
Here's some personal stuff. So if you don't want to here about Kay's biological functions then skip next paragraph or two.
I'm menopausal!!! Why do they call it MENopausal. And for that matter MENstruating. I think some man doctor named them thinking they were gifts to women. One you are a woman and fertile and well, the other barren and old!!!
so, just when I was feeling like I was ready to have a child (only joking) I now am barren and sterile. But will save a fortune on sanitary products (again) is the name of the product saying that we are unsanitary???

Apparently I will have most of the symptoms whilst going thru treatment. Its also the best for the tumor because it's estrogen receptive so they don't warn any of that around.

Hot flushes.....

Mmmm. Not sure if I'm getting hot or cold flushes or even if you can get cold flushes. Basically, all this sweat comes out and then I feel cold. Because I'm bald, once the sweat arrives, feel like someone's put a bag of cold peas on my scalp.

So all night I alternate between my woollen sleep cap (yes, very much out off "little house on the prairie) and being bald. Its interesting (and I'm sure the readers will be as well) that the only place I don't sweat is under the arms. So, my theory is.....

The tale of Barberella and how she influenced my sweat glands

My lymph glands who have been bombarded with chemicals, are talking to my under arm sweat glands.

Sweat glands, sensing hot flush coming up, prepares to react, takes a deep breath and gets ready to squirt out the sweat. The lymph glands look on anxiously and exclaims "don't, keep absolutely quiet!" The sweat glands look quizzically and their team leader asks "why"?
"Well" number 1 lymph gland replies "Its like this. We have spent the last few years sitting around, doing just what was expected from us and basically having an easy time. And then, this bitch called Barberella came to us and said "Boy, have I got a deal for you. I can show you a way to get bigger and fatter and basically have a whale of a time. I'm just about to invade Kay's breast and with you on board we can conquer and take over the whole body"

He (I can't think of a having a female lymph gland) continued " well, it all sounded cosher. All we had to do was take on a few cancer cells, pass it down the line and then let nature takes its course. We were doing it well, very covertly so not to attract attention. But Barberella got too big for her boots and tried to grow too quickly. Kay obviously noticed and raced straight to Breastscreen".

Anyway to cut a long sorry story short. We were having a pretty cushy life and then all of these nasty chemicals have attacked us. Most of us have suffered pretty lethal wounds a few of us are just surviving but I don't think it'll be long... Anyway, there going to cut us all out so there'll be nothing left"

"so, my advice to you, is keep your heads down, don't squirt out that sweat. Otherwise you'll also be a casualty of barberella's megalomanic campaign"

Apparently, the sweat glands were scared shittless and made an overwhelming vote to remain sweat less for the next couple of months.

So, now you know how my brain works. For my family, they all know that I can be a bit strange, but for co-workers and newer friends, you'll be getting to know me a bit more. Don't worry - I'm still sane!

What next
Well, I've just had the 5 of 6 chemo - all going very well. It's day two (didn't obviously finish this whilst having chemo)and still have all of the anti-nausea stuff in my system so not feeling too bad. The next 3 days are my worse and basically I run out of energy and feel like crap. So that's what's next for me...

It helps me by thinking that all of these chemicals are storming all of the cancer cells in my body and I often picture a small "Luke Skywalker" - the good chemical going through all of my veins saying " I have the force"!! And he's blasting all of the bad guys.. It helps.

So, that's it for now. Hope you enjoyed the update.

Love Kay

+ Luke Skywalker and a very sad, depleted Barbarella the breast bump bitch!!!!

Mid Journey Reflections

Well, its been a few weeks since my last blog and because I haven’t really done anything that exciting, I thought I’d take the opportunity to have some self-reflections!  Oh no, you say – “Kay self reflecting’, that’s going to be a bit painful”

However to put your mind at rest, I’m going to balance it with:

Some pretty serious reflections

Some not so serious reflections

And some pretty stupid reflections……..

So, here goes.

Some pretty serious reflections

·         Cancer’s pretty serious shit (well, that’s my opinion to date!).  Its funny when you have cancer and you talk to other people with cancer, you get lots of different interpretations of what it’s like to have cancer….

One lady – Basically, whilst receiving chemo, wanted life to be totally normal, so lived entirely as if nothing had changed.  Didn’t change her routine much.  Didn’t really tell many people that she was sick.

Another lady – got a real shock, immediately changed her life, went and moved in with her daughter and looked at her daughter for much of her decision making.

Another great lady (me) – took it very seriously.  Sometimes she felt that it was ruling her life (but then thought that it was so important that it probably should) She found it difficult thinking of much else, and wanted to know more and understand what was happening to her body.  Basically, she reacted to this issue, like she reacts to other issues – she wanted to take control (she’s a bit of a control freak). 

I sometimes wonder whether I’ve approached this the right way – whether I should have tried to live ‘a normal life’ or whether I’ve gone too much the other way, and become a little too focused on the disease.  I suppose it reflects me – I’m never ‘a middle of the road’ person. I’m either one or the other.

·         Family DNA is really strong…..

As you all know, I’ve had visits by two siblings – my older sister Kris, then my older brother Greg.  Its funny, that I’ve probably spent less time with both of them over the past ten years, than most of my friends etc, but, as soon as they walked in the door, I immediately felt loved, more secure and totally at ease.  There were no feelings of ‘strangeness’ – it just felt right!! It goes to show, that whatever happened when you were a child really sticks with you.  The family ties are really strong….

The BEST experience of this has been the opportunity to have 1 on 1 time with each of them.  How often do you actually spend 1 on 1 time with siblings, with no other relatives around? 

Real quality time at a time when I needed real quality time!  Although I couldn’t get Kris to clean out all my cupboards, and I had to watch lots of ABC and Rugby league with Greg, I thought I’d tell you…..

I have the best family (brother, sisters, nieces and nephews) and they are all really great people (just like me!!)  As I said, family DNA is really strong.

Slightly less serious reflections

·         Wow, your body is pretty resilient.  To think that you get bombarded with toxic waste every three weeks, and then your body can recover from that, really reiterates how special, all the cells, protons, and other icky bits are – the body really is a complex machine that we should look after.  I now wish that I was a bit more gentle on my body over the past 50 years.  After all of this is over, I hope that I remember how special my body is.  I’m not going to go overboard – but I’m going to try and look after it a bit more.  Healthier food, more activity and a really good work/life balance.    

·         A hot water bottle, wheat-pack or electric blanket cannot compete with the warmth and snuggleness of my cat Sonny.  My heart sometimes skips a beat when, after 5 minutes of me lying down, he jumps up on the bed, does his twirly-whirly position thing and then lies down in the crook of my side, so close, he then stretches his paw so that it curls over my hip, and then goes to sleep.  Immediately I feel warm and also very special  I love my cat to bits and he loves me!!

·         I keep telling everyone that I’m a pretty nice person, but I’m now noticing, that most people agree with me…..that I am a pretty nice person!!  From a work point of view, having people’s respect and admiration has always been important for me.  I know it sounds a bit big-headed but that’s the way I am…. Anyway, I’ve felt pretty ‘shuffed’ that so many work colleagues have passed on best wishes, or asked after me etc.  I’ve been ‘missed’ and I like that.  Now all I have to do, is when I get back to work, live up to my fantastic reputation!!  Shouldn’t be that difficult – I know how good I am!!

Pretty stupid reflections

·         Why do they sell so much ‘Funeral Insurance” on daytime TV? Do they think - people are at home watching TV and they’ll see the ad, and then think….Oh, I must get funeral insurance now…..Do daytime television producers, schedulers think that everyone watching have an IQ of 85?  I can’t believe the amount of crap on morning TV. Now don’t get me talking about the “Aaah Bra”.  I think they should call it ‘the Fuck Off Aaah Bra!”

·         Best advise I can give you….Don’t eat nuts or grainy bread, the day before diarrhea starts….(I don’t think I have to elaborate)

·         Hair-brushing is instinctive.  I feel like I haven’t completed my ‘toilette’ without brushing my hair.  My hair brush was on the sink the other day and I instinctively picked it up to brush my hair.  I’m also starting to have dreams with hair – and my hair is always blowing in the wind….  I think I have a bad case of hair-envy….

·         I think I must be sick……I didn’t think that toes could feel so cold.  When I was a kid, Mum could never get me to wear socks to bed or wear shoes when it was cold.  My feet were always really warm and I’d kick the socks off during the night.  Well, not now, at the moment, I feel like I have no blood in my toes and even with slippers on, they are freezing.  I’ve been trying to coax Sonny into sleeping on my feet but he won’t be in it.  Probably not very comfortable.

• Tomato skin is difficult to digest. 

Well, that's it - I've 'self reflected' and do I feel good!!  Actually, because I have so much time on my hands, I'm doing quite a  lot of self-reflection and its  not that bad a thing do do.   I can recommend it.

Back to Business

For those of you, who I may not be seeing often - I had my 4th chemo last Tuesday - same as usual - everything went reasonably well and again, whilst not pleasant it was 'doable'.  I must admit, though that it was really difficult to walk into the hospital again.  I started feeling sick even before I got hooked up.  Power of suggestion!

So, I have two more to go.  Then surgery, possibly late July/August.  I will know a date at my next Surgeon's appointment mid July.   

I've asked for another two months off work, so will basically be on leave for the entire chemotherapy experience.  I thought it was best to concentrate on getting better and I couldn't really reconcile with going to work when I was only feeling 50% well. 

Apart from that - I'm fine.  Feeling reasonably strong.  Still bored (so appreciate any social diversions  - home or out (if I'm able).  

Hope you are all well

Lots of love

A self-reflecting Kay